revise demo script

game/script/2-Second-Time's-the-Charm.rpy

@@ -2113,7 +2113,7 @@ label chapter_2:
 
     show ben neutral left with eidissolve
 
-    "Ben looks down the isle of chatting students and signals to someone with his head."
+    "Ben looks down the aisle of chatting students and signals to someone with his head."
 
     "Standing ten feet away from us is an imposing looking dinosaur girl, with blonde hair, crimson scales, and sporting a fiery red leather jacket."
 
@@ -2130,16 +2130,18 @@ label chapter_2:
     show olivia at movex(0.9)
     with None
 
-    show ben unimpressed left
+    show ben happy left
     show olivia skeptical left
     with eidissolve
 
-    "Ben uses his hand to usher her over while also mouthing a hushed 'come on.'"
-    pause 0.5
+    "Ben motions for her to come closer with a soft smile on his face and nod."
 
-    Mia "Ugh..."
+    "And she smiles back, though her own is noticeably strained."
+
+    Mia "Okay, I'm here."
 
     "She slowly makes her way over, and I notice how some of the students begin to quiet down as she passes them by."
+
     window auto hide
     pause 0.5
 
@@ -2154,7 +2156,7 @@ label chapter_2:
         matrixcolor BrightnessMatrix(0.0)
     pause 0.5
 
-    "As she gets closer, her intense presence smothers me, and even though we're about the same height, I feel like an ant about to get crushed under her boot."
+    "As she gets closer, her intense presence invades me, and even though we're about the same height, I feel like an ant about to get crushed under her boot."
 
     show inco concerned left with eidissolve
 
@@ -2170,10 +2172,9 @@ label chapter_2:
         alpha 0.0
         linear 1.0 alpha 0.5
     show ben behind black
-    show mia angry with eidissolve
 
-    "Mia stays silent, but continues to glare at me from under her neatly cut fringe."
-    pause 0.5
+    "Mia stays silent, but strides the last couple steps rigidly to stand right in front of me."
+    show mia angry with eidissolve
 
     "She sucks in air through her teeth."
     pause 1.0
@@ -2183,7 +2184,7 @@ label chapter_2:
     pause 1.0
     show mia smug with eidissolve_nd
 
-    "The corner of the girl's lips start to rise."
+    "The corner of the girl's lips start to rise." 
 
     window auto hide
     pause 0.3
@@ -2201,6 +2202,10 @@ label chapter_2:
 
     Mia "I didn't {i}mean{/i} to knock your lights out."
 
+    show ben sad with eidissolve
+
+    "Behind her I notice Ben wincing."
+
     camera:
         ease_quad 1.25 xpos 0.12 zoom 1.2
 
@@ -2217,7 +2222,7 @@ label chapter_2:
 
     show inco shocked at setx(0.6), nudgeup()
 
-    "The girl lets out a laugh as she lays an arm around my shoulder, her smile growing wider."
+    "The girl lets out a laugh and lays an arm around my shoulder, her smile growing wide once more."
 
     "Heat creeps along my face as her muzzle nears my ear, especially when a puff of hot air blows by the lobe."
     pause 0.5
@@ -2248,45 +2253,42 @@ label chapter_2:
     show mia at movex(0.35)
     with None
 
-    show mia cheerful left
+    show mia cheerful
     hide black
     with eidissolve
 
-    Mia "See, all clear now Benny Boy. Can I go now?"
+    Mia "See, all clear now Benny Boy."
 
     show ben at movex(0.125)
     show ben nervous with eidissolve
     
     B "Uh,{w=.3} Mia{cps=5}...{/cps}That's not quite-"
 
-    show mia at setx(0.35), nudgeup()
-    show mia angry with eidissolve_nd
+    show mia smug left with eidissolve_nd
 
-    Mia "Shut it, glasses. I'm fixin' things here."
-    pause 0.5
+    Mia "Ah, boo, you know how I am."
 
-    B "{cps=5}...{/cps}You're making it worse{cps=5}...{/cps}"
+    "Her eyes flutter as she looks his way."
 
-    show mia flipoff with eidissolve_nd
+    B "Yes, I know but-"
 
-    Mia "Oh, well fuck you then!"
-    window auto hide
+    B "You promised you would be-"
 
-    stop music fadeout 5.0
+    Mia "Nicer, I know. And I was."
 
-    show mia right with eidissolve
-    pause 0.75
+    Mia "So, I'll be seeing you later tonight Benny."
 
-    show mia at sety(), moveoutleft_cs(0.35)
-    show mia angry left with eidissolve
-    hide mia 
+    Mia "Just like we promised."
+
+    show mia at moveoutleft(0.35)
+    hide mia
 
     pause 1.0
 
     show inco at setx(0.65), standup(0.0, 1, 0.5)
     show ben unimpressed left with eidissolve_nd
 
-    "She flips us off collectively and backs into the crowd, vanishing before either one of us could fully process her words and actions."
+    "She waves us off collectively and backs into the crowd, vanishing before either one of us could fully process her words and actions."
 
     show damien neutral left with eidissolve
 
@@ -2309,32 +2311,44 @@ label chapter_2:
 
     play music mus_ben
 
-    show ben sheepish right with eidissolve_nd
+    show ben sheepish right
+    show inco neutral left
+    with eidissolve_nd
 
     B "Sorry about that, Inco."
 
     B "I heard earlier about what happened at PE and connected the dots."
 
-    show inco neutral left with eidissolve
+    B "Mia comes off as rough 'round the edges but she's actually really sweet."
+
+    B "I'll, uh, talk to her about it more later."
+
+    I "You and her, huh?"
+
+    show ben cheerfulface with eidissolve_nd
+
+    B "Hehe, yeah. Since the start of high school."
+
+    I "The classic jock and nerd pairing. Sounds like you're living the dream."
+
+    B "You know it."
+
+    show ben sheepish with eidissolve_nd
+
+    B "But yeah, I'm sorry your first impression of her isn't{cps=5}...{cps}{w=.3} ideal."
 
     I "It's fine, it was just dodgeball. Not like she was looking to do something."
-    pause 0.5
 
-    B "{cps=5}...{/cps}Yeah."
+    B "{cps=5}...{cps}Yeah."
 
     show ben unimpressed with eidissolve
 
     B "Uh, Damien?"
 
-    show damien at setx(0.6), nudgeup()
-
     D "Hm?"
 
     "Damien looks up from the rest of his meal having selectively heard his name."
 
-    "He wasn't even paying attention- how?"
-    pause 0.5
-
     B "Could you not spread rumors around about your fellow classmates?"
 
     show damien happy with eidissolve