Updated story script

game/script.rpy

@@ -96,7 +96,9 @@ F "Three miles is nothing!"
 
 M "You usually don’t even walk three miles in a day."
 
-F "Maybe not, but I’ve been walking all my life!"
+F "Yeah but I {i}have{/i} walked three miles in a day!"
+
+F "So {i}HA{/i}!"
 
 "Hoo boy."
 
@@ -191,7 +193,7 @@ M "Those supplements are more for gym workouts."
 
 M "And destroy bathrooms."
 
-"The horrors."
+"{i}The horrors.{/i}"
 
 "Farelie frowns but takes the proffered canteen."
 
@@ -207,7 +209,7 @@ M "I think I can refill my canteen when we get to a good break spot."
 
 F "Mkay."
 
-"She’s careful to pour the icy water on her plump pink gills, a shiver running over her."
+"She’s careful to pour the icy water on her pink gills, a shiver runs over her entire body as the liquid life refreshes her dried out skin."
 
 F "O-oh, that’s nice."
 
@@ -231,53 +233,22 @@ M "M-maybe I’ll have some too..?"
 
 F "Sure."
 
-F "In fact, you can have the rest!"
+F "In fact, let’s trade, you can have the rest of this!"
 
-"She takes my metal canteen and slips it into her backpack and hands me the bottle of strawberry disgust."
+"Ah crap."
 
-"Oh god damn it."
+"I fake sip from the clear bottle and nod to Farelie."
+
+"After placing the bottle of sugary preservatives and my empty canteen we continue on."
+
+"Good thing there’s a fillup station a while down the path."
 
 jump secondchoice
 
 label secondchoice:
+M "You ready to keep going?"
 
-"I shoulder my bag and look to my workout partner."
-
-"Her mouth curls into an amused smile, gaze fixed into the forest."
-
-"Did she notice something? I don’t see anything."
-
-M "Ready?"
-
-F "{i}Sshhh!!{/i}"
-
-F "{i}Look!{/i}"
-
-"I follow her finger back to the log I’d noticed earlier."
-
-"The log blinks at our presence."
-
-"?!"
-
-F "The gator over there’s got some friends!"
-
-"I almost think it just doesn’t notice the frogs when one of them flicks its tongue at his eye, getting an amused stare in return."
-
-M "Huh. Got a camera on you?"
-
-F "You know it!"
-
-"She already has her phone out, recording the whole thing."
-
-"I watch the scene myself for a few moments longer."
-
-M "Alright, we should continue."
-
-M "If we want to get out of here by evening, we aren’t going to have much time to sightsee."
-
-M "And we definitely won’t be safe after nightfall."
-
-F "Awww… Yeah, let’s keep going."
+F "Yeah, let’s go!"
 
 "I start a slow jog again and pick up the pace once I hear her following along."
 
@@ -349,7 +320,7 @@ F "I don’t… I don’t think I can…"
 
 M "Come on Farelie, you’re already halfway there! You’re doing such a good job."
 
-F "It {i} hurts {/i} Morgan."
+F "My gills {i}burn{/i} Morgan."
 
 M "I know, I know. But it’s almost over."
 
@@ -373,6 +344,8 @@ label tryagain:
 
 "Maybe I’m pushing her too hard."
 
+"Coming here was her idea and this is meant to be fun, I shouldn’t be acting like a drill sergeant."
+
 M "Alright, Farelie. That’s good enough."
 
 "I can see the subtle, grateful look in her eyes. It’s accompanied by a relieved sigh."
@@ -484,13 +457,51 @@ jump thirdchoice
 label thirdchoice:
 M "You ready to keep going?"
 
+"Her mouth curls into an amused smile, gaze fixed into the forest."
+
+"Did she notice something? I don’t see anything."
+
+M "Ready?"
+
+F "{i}Sshhh!!{/i}"
+
+F "{i}Look!{/i}"
+
+"I follow her finger back to the log I’d noticed earlier."
+
+"The log blinks at our presence."
+
+"?!"
+
+F "The gator over there’s got some friends!"
+
+"I almost think it just doesn’t notice the frogs when one of them flicks its tongue at his eye, getting an amused stare in return."
+
+M "Huh. Got a camera on you?"
+
+F "You know it!"
+
+"She already has her phone out, recording the whole thing."
+
+"I watch the scene myself for a few moments longer."
+
+M "Alright, we should continue."
+
+M "If we want to get out of here by evening, we aren’t going to have much time to sightsee."
+
+M "And we definitely won’t be safe after nightfall."
+
+F "Awww… Yeah, let’s keep going."
+
+"I start a slow jog again and pick up the pace once I hear her following along."
+
 "Instead of an answer, she cocks her head and flashes me a smile."
 
 "With her pose struck, I’m granted a thumbs-up."
 
 "A few sips of water later, we begin back on the course."
 
-"We pass by more small details, but nothing as interesting as the frogs from earlier."
+"We pass by more small details, but nothing as interesting as the frogs."
 
 "After several more obstacles (and lots of coaxing and encouragement), we reach the end."
 
@@ -506,12 +517,12 @@ M "You ready to keep going?"
 
 F "Morgan, can we just… not…?"
 
-M "Out of all the obstacles today, you want to quit because of some {i} mud {/i} ?"
+M "Out of all the obstacles today, you want to quit because of some {i}mud{/i}?"
 M "This is noth-"
 
 "Before the words even finish coming out of my mouth, I already know I’ve chosen poorly."
 
-F "It’s the {i}mud{/i}, it’s my {i}neck{/i}, it’s my {i}back{/i}, it’s {i}everything!{/i}"
+F "It’s the {i}mud{/i}, it’s my {i}neck{/i}, it’s my {i}gills{/i}, it’s {i}everything!{/i}"
 
 F "I’m exhausted Morgan, can’t we just skip this last one?"
 
@@ -587,8 +598,11 @@ jump endingcheck
 label going:
 $ Farelie += 1
 
-M "Farelie, what was the point of putting yourself through all of this if you stop right at the end?"
-M "Look, you can see the end {i}right{/i} there."
+M "Farelie, I believe in you."
+
+M "You’ve been doing great all day."
+
+M "Look, you can see the end {i}just{/i} over there."
 
 "I could almost swear I see the beginning of tears."
 
@@ -1228,7 +1242,7 @@ label bonusend:
 
 "The other day she picked up a new workout outfit, and it’s been a real motivator."
 
-"... for me, that is."
+"... for me."
 
 "I’m proud of how much better she’s gotten at this, and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she is too."
 
@@ -1248,7 +1262,7 @@ F "Hey, quit looking at me like that."
 
 M "Like what?"
 
-F "You know what, you dirty dog."
+F "You know what."
 
 "She laughs, gently punching me in the shoulder."